Not Just a Kavanaugh Problem

Some weeks, I try not to look at the news. Or, at least, try not to let myself get sucked in. But I have not succeeded recently in regards to the Brett Kavanaugh Supreme Court nomination. Of course, appointing a new Supreme Court justice is always an important business. A justice is appointed for life and will be hearing cases that involve us all, trying to ensure what the title implies - justice for all of us. The mere fact that justices are appointed by the President and approved by the Senate makes the process political. But this year, the process has become about more than Republican versus Democrat. It, like much of the past two years, has become a touchpoint in the national conversation regarding the balance of power between men and women.

Let me start by saying I don't know what happened between Kavanaugh and his accusers. I trust that a real investigation can uncover the truth. But, what concerns me more are the reactions to the allegations and what they say about our society.

First, this situation is not uncommon. Many, maybe even most women in American society have a #MeToo story. Whether it was rape, assault, harassment or abuse, many women have experienced an unwelcome and, perhaps traumatic, encounter with a man who exercised the inherent power that our male dominated culture gives to men over women. Talk to almost any woman and you will hear a story about a man making her feel powerless, worthless, demeaned - reduced to a sexual object rather than seen as an agent of her own self-worth.

Secondly, not all women report these incidents when they happen. Read the twitter thread, #whyIdidntreport, and you will see thousands of brave women coming forward to tell why they kept quiet. "It happened so long ago." "He was my boss." "No one would believe me." "He threatened me." "I didn't know it was wrong at the time." "He was a family member." "It wasn't 'really' rape." Thousands of reasons from thousands of women. And having seen what happened to Anita Hill and Christine Blasey Ford, we know what can happen to women who come forward.

Thirdly, even "nice" guys can be jerks. Dozens of friends of Kavanaugh have come forward to say what a swell guy he is. And I'm sure he is. He's a good family man, father, attorney and friend. He obviously doesn't treat all women the way he allegedly treated Blasey Ford and the other accusers. But, that doesn't mean that he never did so. Our boys are raised in a toxic stew of false masculinity, hypersexuality and male dominance. They are taught by society that sex is something that they are entitled to, and that women are here for their sexual gratification. They are taught to divide women into two distinct categories - virgin or whore. Your mom and your sister, your wife and your daughter are to be respected, even cherished. But a woman or girl who gets drunk, who dresses "provacatively", who flirts - well, she deserves what she gets. After all, she 'wanted' it. And the fact that women don't react by immediately kicking him in the balls must mean that he is free to do it again!

How does this stop? I don't have the answers. Obviously, we need to teach boys that women are their equals in every way, that all women deserve respect, that their sexual desires do not supercede a woman's right to safety. We need to teach girls that their body is their own, that they have the right to speak up and fight back, that they can demand respect. But how to teach this?

Healthy sex education has to start early and be repeated often. Parents and teachers must point out everyday teachable moments about respect and compassion. Preteen and teens need to have conversations with each other - boys and girls - about uncomfortable topics such as consent. It needs to come from parents, schools, churches and entertainment. It means that we have to have  conversations about gender and sexual power politics and have clearer guidelines on what is permissible. The "affirmative consent" movement on college campuses is a start, but it's probably too little, too late.

I have no idea what will happen with Brett Kavanaugh. I do know that the process of choosing a Supreme Court justice is so tainted at this point, that there is no way to prevent it from being political. But, the least that I can hope for is that sexual harrasment and assault become part of our national conversation, and that we can start moving toward the time in which no woman has to endure the pain and humiliation that Christine Blasey Ford has spent her whole life trying to forget.