What I’ve Learned from the “NeverChurchers”

After over 15 years in parish ministry in the United Methodist Church, I ventured outside of the church walls in to the great wide open in 2013. I have spent the last six plus years in a combination of secular employment, volunteer clergy and appointed extension ministry, both here and abroad. I have learned so much about the folks outside of the church – the ones I call “NeverChurchers” - who would never even consider attending a church service outside of a wedding or funeral (and those are even becoming less frequent). I’ve talked for hours with a variety of people from all different backgrounds – those raised religiously (Christian, Jewish and Muslim) but no longer practice or even “believe”, as well as those who were raised without any religious background at all – and I’ve heard very similar refrains from many of them. And much of what I’ve learned is very different from what I assumed when I was working inside a church.

As a member of a large suburban church staff for most of my career, we spent countless hours in staff meetings discussing how to boost our attendance. It was all well intentioned because we believed (in the terms I was taught in my MBA program) that we had a superior product to sell. If only people would try our product, or if only we could package it differently, then people would start coming to our churches. But that is not what I am hearing from the NeverChurchers.

1.     They don’t feel a need for religion in their lives. NeverChurchers are just as happy, as contented, as sad, or as anxious, as church-goers. Their lives are either going pretty well, or kinda messed up, but they resent anyone telling them that Christianity is the answer to their questions. In general, if they are looking for something, they don’t define it in religious terms, but rather in terms of relief from the stress of work, finances, family demands, etc. They are stressed out, but they are much more likely to turn to yoga or meditation (or unfortunately like many of us – consumerism or alcohol) than church. Many of them understand the appeal of Christianity as only “going to Heaven” - something they either don’t believe in or feel that they will achieve just by being a good person. The idea of present salvation through Christ is not generally understood.

2.     They have the same big life questions that church-goers do. What is my purpose? How should we treat one another? Why do bad things happen to good people? And many NeverChurchers, intuitively or by picking and choosing from world religions, pop culture or psychology, have found sufficient answers for themselves. They are not averse to discussions about big questions, but they don’t want anyone telling them what to believe.

3.     They find most Christians to be judgmental, hypocritical and insular. They also think Christians are no fun! My secular co-workers couldn’t square the fact that I was Christian clergy and yet I also love popular (non-Christian) music, films and culture. They were often surprised that I enjoyed going out for a drink or two, discussing Quentin Tarantino films and volunteering for LGBTQ+ organizations in my free time.

4.     They think churches don’t benefit the community and just exist to prop themselves up. The NeverChurchers are happy giving money and time to causes they support. But they won’t give money to a church because they don’t trust how it will be used. They care about the problems in the world, but they do not see the church as the answer. In fact, because they see so many negative examples of religious people in the news, they are more likely to see church as the problem.

5.     They are interested in spiritual ideas and spirituality, especially young people. They are completely open to mindfulness and meditation, and to connecting to something greater than themselves. They just may not call that God. Many see Christianity as just one pathway to the divine, and not one that particularly appeals to them.

So, in my opinion, churches that are just trying to repackage their message are missing the point. We need to rethink the entire idea of “church” and even Christianity itself.  What if our main objective was just helping people connect to the God-Spirit, however one defines it? What if we offered the teachings of Christ as a gateway to understanding oneself, one’s relationship with others and one’s relationship with God, and invited people to take what they need without insisting that they take all of it? If we believe that the core of our faith is to “Love God. Love our Neighbors. Love Ourselves” then does it really matter if one comes to that love through contemporary praise music and reciting the Lord’s Prayer, or through pub sing-a-longs or silent meditation?

So what does the church need to do, in my opinion?

Leave the building. Quit trying to get people to come to us on Sunday mornings. Instead, go where people are already gathering - bars, sporting events, music venues, coffeeshops. Hang out and make friends. Sponsor meditation retreats, spirituality discussion groups, music jam sessions, sport leagues. Realize that Sunday morning worship is not the gateway that it once was. A worship service is usually is the gathering of the already believing, not the inquiring.

Drop the “churchy” language. Words like salvation, redemption, atonement are really hard to explain and quite frankly don’t offer anything that NeverChurchers think they need. Words like acceptance, love, connection and purpose are what they are looking for. But keep grace, I really like grace! I’m not suggesting a “bait and switch” approach. I am always upfront with my clients that I am Christian clergy, but that I’m more interested in helping them connect to God in their own way, than in discussing mine. If they have questions about my faith, they will ask, and then I will share in plain, non-churchy language.

Serve people in whatever way they need, without strings attached. Help people find a job, a place to live, treatment for addiction, a daycare for their kids, cooking classes for millennials. Form relationships with no ulterior motives. Find out the real needs of the community (hint: it doesn’t need another “church” – there are plenty of those.)

Find points of commonality. Just be Christians among the people. Connect to others through music, video games, nature, film, beer, whatever. Realize that helping people connect with God and others is more important than funding a building campaign.

Talk in terms of Spirituality, rather than Christianity. In my experience, NeverChurchers don’t have a problem with God. They have a problem with Christians. They may use different terms to discuss God – Spirit, The Big Connection, the Oneness, but it all centers around a spirit of love. Accept that there are many paths to connection with God and that Christianity is just one.  People really do want to discuss the big ideas of life and love and meaning – but they want us to respect their opinions as we hope they respect ours. Mutual respect for pathways may lead people to want to find out more about Christianity or at least Jesus Christ.

So, I’m sure that you’re thinking “This doesn’t sound like Being the Church.” Nope, it sounds like loving people. And, if I’m not mistaken, that’s what “The Church” was supposed to be all along.